What do you do when . . . ?

I have been thinking a lot lately about impermanence, one of the most fundamental Buddhist concepts.  The precept reminds us that nothing is constant and that everything changes.  Sometimes events remind us that we, everyone we care about, and the things that are important to us are impermanent.  What do you do when that happens?

                For example a friend recently lost his father.  They had been close, but not always. In fact their closeness was just starting to bud after years of alienation.  What do you when you get the phone call from your friend and he says, between sobs, “My father just died.”  I’m a problem solver.  When I was in high school the neighborhood kids use to bring me their broken bicycles to repair when their fathers had given up.  My career is a problem solving career.  I solve problems. That's what I'm good at.  In this case however there was nothing for me to fix.  My mind was racing, what do I do?  Being present with compassion was the only thing I could find.  It didn’t solve the “problem” but I was fully there.

                My oldest son, a high school student, came to me with a concerned look on his face.  “Dad”, he said, “I have three exams tomorrow and a term paper that is due.”  No question, just a comment.  Immediately the problem solver inside of me jumped into action.  “Well, let’s put a study schedule together.  What do you want me to quiz you on tonight?” I replied.  To my surprise and embarrassment he said, “Dad, I don’t need to you do anything.  I just need you to say, ‘Wow, that’s a lot for tomorrow.’.”   He didn’t need my organization and problem solving skills.  He needed me to be compassionate and present.  Sometimes it seems that is all that we need to do when the question arises, “What do you do when . . . ?”

                I am learning that but I'm a slow learner and it has taken me a long time.  I hope you too will take time, when events remind you of impermanence, and learn to quietly respond to others with compassion and presence.  Sometime problems don’t need to be solved because they aren’t problems.  There are just events and loving kindness (compassion and presence) are all that can be offered and really all that is needed.

Peace my friends,

Dr. Dave / Keisho Ananda