Be Gentle with Yourself . . .

Do this with me . . . take a deep breath and now hold it while you count slowly to 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . 7 . . . 8 . . . don’t give up . . . keep holding your breath . . . 9 . . . 10 . . . 11 . . . 12 . . . 13 . . .14 . . . 15.

Your body absorbed all the oxygen that it could from that breath in the first two or three seconds. The rest of the time you were holding on to something that was completely useless; air devoid of usable oxygen. How did it feel? A little tight? Constricted? Uncomfortable? That’s how we feel when we hold onto anything that we don’t need.

Are you holding onto old hurts? Resentment? Anger? Holding onto any of those old emotions does about as much good as holding your breath. Let go of those old, useless emotions and memories and forgive. Holding on to old pains is a lot like telling someone, “I’m going to drink this poison so that you will die.” When we fail to forgive we hurt ourselves, not the person whom we think has wronged us.

I can remember years ago when a student came to my office after class one day and said, “Dr. Murphy, you wronged me!” He was upset because I hadn’t given him extra time to finish an exam. He went on to accuse me of being an insensitive and arrogant professor. I could hold onto the bad feelings that I felt at that moment. If I did that the student, who graduate long ago and moved on with his life, would never know. I, however, would be affected by those thoughts every day.

I believe in Hemingway’s book, For Whom the Bell Tolls, he tells the story of a father who had just received a telegram informing him that his son had been killed in the Spanish Civil War. In the book, the father went to a party that night and was confronted by a friend who asked him, how can you be here tonight? You just found out that your son was killed in the war. The father responded with the explanation that he knew if he didn’t let go of the pain sooner or later it would destroy him and that he had chosen to let go sooner. (I need to find the exact quotes for you . . . ) Letting go sooner is a really good idea.

I have found a way to forgive that works for me, it might work for you. I close my eyes and try to visualize the person that I need to forgive. As I tell them, in my mind, “I forgive you, I release you.” I let them slowly break apart and float away before my eyes. It seems that they become a jigsaw puzzle that slowly comes apart and each puzzle piece floats away. By forgiving, I free myself.

Be gentle with yourself . . . forgive.